Especially in times of struggle, God leads us to scripture that will give us comfort or insight. He has certainly done this for me in the past, and has more so now than ever before. I have always been one to just pick up the Bible, pray that He will lead me to what I need to read...and I just open the Bible and read.

Shortly after Evelyn's passing, God lead me to read the book of Job. For those of you that don't know, Job is a good man to which many bad things happen. I want you to know that I just opened the Bible to get a summary for you, and opened right to Job. God is real!

Basically the Lord trys Satan and says, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him, he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil." Satan doesn't believe that Job fears God without God's favor, and says that Job will surely curse God if he strikes everything that he has. So, The Lord said to Satan, "Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger." Job "had seven sons, and three daughters, and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke and oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants." In one day, the Sabeans took the oxen and donkeys, the sheep and servants were burned up from fire that fell from the sky, the Chaladeans took the camels and killed the servants, and wind came and struck the four corners of the house that his sons and daughters were feasting and drinking in, and it collapsed and killed them all. This is where I'm thinking, Oh Lord, thank you that I am not Job!

Job did not curse the Lord but praised him saying: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

Eventually God allows Job himself into Satan's hands, but he has to spare his life. Satan "afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head." "Job still did not sin in what he said," but he cursed the day of his birth.

Job 3:11-19
"Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb? Why were there knees to receive me and breasts that I might be nursed? For now I would be lying down in peace; I would be asleep and at rest with kings and counselors of the earth, who built for themselves places now lying in ruins, with rulers who had gold, who filled their houses with silver. Or why was I not hidden in the ground like a stillborn child, like an infant who never saw the light of day? There the wicked cease from turmoil, and there the weary are at rest. Captives also enjoy their ease; they no loner hear the slave driver's shout. The small and the great are there and the slave is freed from his master."
This man begged to be as favored as my sweet Evelyn, to be in heaven and to never have seen the light of day. How blessed she is! And praise God for giving her mother this comforting thought! How many places in the Bible do you think refer to a stillborn child?! I imagine not many, but I do know of one more...

This will only make sense to some, and I will try to be as sensitive as possible in explaining this, because I do not want to spin it with my own thoughts, since I do not know what God is trying to tell me. I felt God telling me one night when I was walking that Miriam was going to get cancer and die...and that the tables would turn and they would need me...and I, unlike them, would be there for them(they, meaning Evelyn's father, his wife, and their two daughters). Once again, I am thinking, why is this coming to me?! I surely do not wish for this to happen to her...honestly. Is this a crazy thought coming from my head, or is God trying to tell me something? (Miriam is Evelyn's father's wife by the way). cont...
A week or so later, God woke me in the middle of the night and whispered to me to read the book of Numbers. I ignored it, but couldn't sleep and heard Him again, so I read. I've never read the book of Numbers from what I can remember, and kinda forgot that there was a book of Numbers...I knew it was too random to ignore. I flipped through some boring census stuff, and started reading this one section. I get two lines down and read, "Miriam died and was buried." I think, well, this is certainly what God wanted me to read, so I stop reading, shut the Bible and go back to sleep.

It gets more powerful. I am telling my mom about this the next morning, and I am flipping through to try to find the line that I had read the night before. I start reading the story of Moses, Aaron, and Miriam. Miriam and Aaron talk against Moses. The Lord calls all three out of the tent, they come out, the Lord comes down on a pillar of cloud, and summons Aaron and Miriam.

"When both of them step forward, he said, "Listen to my words: "When a prophet of the Lord is among you, I reveal myself to him in visions, I speak to him in dreams. But this is not true of my servant Moses; he is faithful in all my house. With him I speak face to face, clearly and not in riddles; he sees the form of the Lord, Why then were you not afraid to speak against my servant Moses?"

"The anger of the Lord burned against them, and he left them. When the cloud lifted from above the tent, there stood Miriam - leprous, like snow. Aaron turned to her and saw that she had leprosy; and he said to Moses, "Please, my lord, do not hold against us the sin we have so foolishly committed. Do not let her be like a stillborn infant coming from it's mother's womb with its flesh half-eaten away."

"So Moses cried out to the Lord, "O God, please heal her!" "
I began to cry, filled with the Holy Spirit, before I could read it back to her. I could not understand what He was trying to tell me. But I can say that GOD NEVER FELT MORE REAL, than after reading this line. My precious baby, hearing these poignant words spoken about her skin, the pain of her loss, the pain her father caused me. His words, "I am not coming up there to visit a dead baby." The validation that his wrong would not go unpunished...straight from God himself.

I am a sinner too. I had always felt that God had punished me for wrong I had done...during my pregnancy, and with the loss of my baby. I was not angry at Him though. People would say to me, God does not work like that...and what I said back and felt to be so true in my heart is, "YES, He does"...with a humble heart. I believe God punishes his believers to better them and teach them, so that they may lead a righteous life and have eternal life. I praised Him through my storm, and will always praise Him in every season of my life. I fear Him like never before. I believe that what God did through speaking to me and bringing me to read this scripture was more about PROOF to unbelievers, showing me He is there...and that He knows what I am going through, than that it was intended to foreshadow Miriam's death. GOD IS REAL. He does punish, and the only way to Him is through his Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, who died on the cross so that we may be forgiven of our sins and have eternal life in heaven.

When I was pregnant, God spoke through me in tongues one morning, and I interpreted, not knowing that I had the gift of interpretation. He said, Do not worry what her father does, for I am her Father. Trust in me and follow the path I set for you, and I will take care of you.