Baby Evelyn was born on October 29th, 2010 at 12:15am. She lived inside of me for 9 months, but was taken by the Lord days before her due date. She gave me so much life while I carried her. She was with me always, and God gave me true comfort, hope, and joy through her. I dedicated my life to her during those 9 months, preparing for her everyday...making sure she would have everything and more that she could ever need. She brought me closer to God, and I am eternally grateful to her. We were baptized together on October 10th, 2010 at 12Stone Church during open baptism.

When I held her for the first time, I saw a perfect angel. She was truly "too beautiful for earth," and I found comfort knowing that Jesus was holding her in His arms. She never had to experience pain or fear like I had in my life. The entire pregnancy I worried what her life would be like. I knew I could not protect her from certain realities that I knew existed for her. However, I was going to give her the best life I could...and I still long for her to be here, to hold her, kiss her, sing to her, and pray over her...but it wasn't in God's plan.

I knew something wasn't right when I woke up in the middle of the night on the 28th with a fever. I had felt down the previous couple days...thinking I was just getting impatient waiting to go into labor. It dawned on me that I had not felt her move for at least a day...I had been focusing on the contractions that were so frequent...so, I began to push on her to see if I could get her to move. She didn't respond like she usually would. I woke my parents up at 4:00am and told them that we needed to go to the hospital. I knew in my heart that she was gone. The nurse touched the doppler on my belly...and there was silence. I was now certain that she was gone, but they continued for what it seemed like 10 minutes to find a heartbeat. I stared at the ceiling, and felt God take over. I asked my mom to go to the waiting room because I knew she was unaware or in denial, and I could not deal with her pain and mine. I told the nurse that I knew there wasn't a heartbeat, and she just stared at me and had tears in her eyes as I started to cry. The doctor came in with the ultrasound and looked for a while to then tell me that she was sorry, that it looked like the baby had passed away. When they told me they wanted to induce me...I couldn't believe it. I wanted them to just take her right then. They said it was best for me, so accepted it. The nurse then brought my parents to the room for me to tell them the sad news of her passing.

I was induced at 8:30 a.m. on the 28th and gave birth to little Evie 16 hours later. God was with me the whole time, giving me strength and comfort. My two sweet friends, Codi and April, never left my side. When she was born the cord was wrapped so tightly around her neck that they had to cut it. The cord was also somewhat shorter than usual, because they can usually slip the cord around the baby's shoulders. Doctor Doris, who delivered her, said that he thought cord restriction was the best determination for her passing. After she was born, I got to clean her, dress her, and hold her. I loved her so much, and hurt so badly that I could not hear her cry, or gaze into her eyes. She had dark, wavy hair; and brown eyes. She had large hands and feet, and her hands resembled mine, my dads, and my grandmother, Mom Mom's. She had the softest cheeks. She weighed 6lbs 9oz and was 20in long. She stayed in my room that night, and I woke up the morning of the 29th weeping for her loss.

That day we had a small service for her in the room, in which the pastor, Ned Gable, read a beautiful poem written by her Uncle Andy. Professional photographer, Shannon Kiss, with the non-profit organization, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, came to take pictures of her, and I got to spend some time alone with her. I sang to her, prayed over her, and kissed every inch of her body before I had to give her back. It was time for me to let her go. I will forever cherish the miracle of her life, the amazing experience of giving birth, and the love that I felt for her. She is my little miracle that changed my life forever and made me love myself more than I ever thought I could...because I every time I look in the mirror, I see her mother.

My thoughts on her passing:

As I replayed every minute of the few days leading up to this moment, I remember her moving around the evening of the 27th, somewhat violently, for about 20 sec, and then she suddenly stopped. I believe that is when she passed, and have read similar experiences from other mothers of stillborns. Her movements were symptomatic of hypoxia caused by cord restriction. This is the only time I had felt this intensity of movement from her, and it stunned me...so I just sat there and watched her move...and I wonder had I just gotten up from the chair, would she have been able to get free of the cord. I only tell these details because I did not know to watch for something like this...and I think other women should look out for movements like this in late pregnancy when the baby doesn't have much room and the cord could be restricted. The movements usually follow a position change. I had been sitting in my glider for some time on my laptop, which sits pretty upright, possibly restricting her more than an inclined chair would have since her head was very low at this point in the pregnancy. It is still very rare for something like this to happen, but it happened to me, and it could happen to anyone. Even if I had I been aware, there may have been nothing I could do to prevent it, but of course I believe I could have. My better judgment knows though, that this was just God's plan, and that he doesn't make mistakes.

I had taken a long walk about a week prior and felt God's presence as he spoke to my heart...I was asking Him why things were the way that they were...and what was the purpose behind everything surrounding this pregnancy...I could not understand. As I felt Him speak to me, I thought He was telling me that my time was up, and that I was meant to be an Angel to two little girls. I was confused at what He was trying to tell me, but either way I knew that things were not going to go as planned. I cried and walked, and cried and walked. I just told Him that whatever His plan was...whether it was the baby having health issues, me dying, or something else, that I loved Him and trusted Him, and would be ok with whatever it was. I wrote a letter to her father, and one to her, and put them in envelopes and told a friend where to find them. I was fearful that I was going to die during childbirth or that both of us were going to die...even to me it sounded crazy, but I could not deny that God was telling me something. I know now what He was trying to tell me, and while the silver lining of this tragedy is not completely hidden from me...it does not take away the pain of her loss. I wish she was here every day, and miss her so. She will always be my child, my first baby, my first little girl, and I will never forget her...Evelyn Marie...an angel for us all.